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Confused and In Love

We interrupt regularly scheduled posting to bring you this important message!

We recently received an e-mail (via Agent Tim) with questions regarding dating/courtship. We don't profess to have all the answers (there are many people from whom it would be better to ask advice), but we do think that this e-mail contains questions which many of us have. We've done our best to answer them Biblically, and we're interested in your input as well.

Here's the note:


I recently started “courting/dating” a guy. I am 99.999% positive he in “the one”….I don’t want to compromise on my standards as far as a physical relationship goes (ex: I want our first kiss to be on our wedding day- or at least when we get engaged) but my parents don’t want us to even touch each other at all till out wedding day… I think holding hands would be ok, and so does my boyfriend… any suggestions on what to do without disrespecting my parents [sic] rules?

Also… how can I let him know how I feel about him without being too forward or assumptuious or scaring him off? I want him to have to pursues me, not have it like I am chasing him…

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

~Confused and in love

Dear Confused,

We’re glad to see that you are trying to find the right answer to your question! Our hearts go out to you, because we don’t want you to be confused any more! We have attempted to reply your letter Biblically, and also with the advice of our parents.

There are many nuances in your question which we would like to address:

Firstly, Colossians 3:20 says “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Ephesians 6:2 says, "Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the land…" Notice it doesn't say, "Honor your father and mother when you feel like it.” Whether or not your parent’s standards are different than your own, you must obey them. If your parents say that holding hands is wrong, then you must abide by their personal conviction.

Until your wedding day, you are still under the authority of your father. Unless his commands go directly against the commands God has given in the Bible, you must obey. And what is the result of obedience? "Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the land..." You will be blessed!

The second question you brought up was how to “let him know” your feelings without being forward. Now, you mentioned earlier that you are in a dating/courting relationship. Is the purpose of this relationship finding whether it would be wise for you to be married? Are you praying and seeking God’s will for the future of this relationship, with the intention and result of this relation being marriage? If this is the case, you should not need to share your feelings for him. The fact that you are interested in him as a future marriage partner should be obvious, since that is why you are dating!

If the guy you are dating has not stated up-front whether his intentions are marriage, you should definitely discuss this with him. Ask him, “Why are we dating? What is the point?” If he responds that he “isn’t sure,” then you must realize that you are very possibly dating another woman’s husband-to-be.

You mentioned that you are 99.999% positive that he is “the one.” If he is the one God has chosen for you, then fear of “losing him” should never motivate any of your actions. If God has chosen him for you, then God’s plan will work out in His timing.

However, we would encourage you not to give your heart to him until you are married. Song of Solomon 2:7 pleads with us, “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” If God has called you to marriage, He has a beautiful, perfect plan for your love story. Love Him first, withholding your heart from any man until your wedding day, and He, who Himself is love (1 John 4:8) can guide your footsteps in through this season of your life. Trust and obedience is all that is required.

God has given you two very key resources to aid you:

First and foremost, there is nothing more important for you to read than God’s Word. Let Him give you guidance and wisdom for this time.

Also, your parents are absolutely invaluable! From your letter, it seems that they do care about how you spend your courting days. Ask their advice! Sit down with them and pour out your heart! Your parents love you, and are the people that God designed to help guide you. Do not be afraid to share your concerns with them.

We appreciate your letter! May God bless you and give you guidance! You are in our prayers.

In Christ,

The Beauty from the Heart Contributors

If the topic of this post was something that stirred your heart, or is something that you have been contemplating lately, we recommend also reading the following:
Click here, here and here.

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Do any of you ladies have experience in the area of love and courtship, or is this all theoretical advice?

Great advice! Thanks for posting this.

Thanks for your comment. Yes, a couple of the contributors have had experience in this area, although we tried not to base our advice chiefly on personal experience, but the Bible. Also, our parents have experience in this (of course) and their input also influenced our response. It was truly a team effort! ;-)

Once again,
An excellent piece from BftH.
I'm going to have to agree with every word of this.

And Kudos to CaiL.
There aren't many people that have those kind of values.
But consider this...
What's the harm in elevating them even more to do as your parents wish?

Hey! Thks for this post. I've always struggled with this type of thing. This post really encouraged me to do what's right. Thanks again!

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